Heaven Can’t Wait, The First Chapter…
No matter how many good decisions we make, when life throws unexpected challenges, we can find ourselves at a loss. It’s at those times that we question our purpose in life and reason for being, which is what happened when life overwhelmed me.
We lived in a nice house in leafy suburbia, and had plenty of money for food and clothes. I was in my mid-twenties and had two healthy children with my husband, Nick. I adored my family. I was a housewife, and my fulfilment came from being the best wife and mother I could be. After all, that was my childhood dream.
However, I did everything I could to tear it all apart. I was desperate to have more children, but was rewarded with nothing but heartache after many early miscarriages.
Overwhelmed and frustrated, I attended a fertility clinic and was put on a fertility drug. My life was spiralling out of control. I felt time ticking by, as each month was a complete failure. Because every hour of my day was consumed with my ‘cycle’ and desperation to fall pregnant, I lost focus on everything else that was important to me.
My relationship with Nick was stretched to breaking point, and during a particularly nasty altercation I shouted out the cruellest words I knew. I wanted to hurt him.
My temper once awoken would not be controlled, and I exploded my venom on my beloved. Nick’s response to me was measured, more than I deserved: ‘That’s not fair. It’s like me saying to you that you’re a lousy wife and stupid mother.’
He didn’t say I was a lousy wife and mother, but that’s the way I heard it. My life suddenly had no meaning, because being a good wife and mother was my sole purpose and I was failing miserably. I may as well exit the planet! I decided that suicide was my only option.
I stormed out of the room and went to the medicine cabinet to swallow the first tablets that I found. After popping about ten tablets I sat on the lounge and waited… and waited. Nick was still at home but unaware of this turn of events.
As I sat there, waiting for the drugs to take effect, the phone rang. It was my husband’s brother with an emergency. A bushfire was threatening his house, and Nick was about to rush out the door to help him.
So often in times of crisis bad decisions are compounded with poor judgement, and the effect is magnified. Providentially, this was not my fate. By this stage, time had given me opportunity for my clouded judgement to become clearer. I was having second thoughts about what I had done, and if Nick left, so did my ticket to life. I humbled myself and asked my doctor husband what would happen if I swallowed all the medicine I had just taken.
Owning up to my stupidity was the only good choice I had made in the last twenty-four hours. Nick couldn’t believe I could do such a thing, called me an idiot (fair enough), but in his concern also asked the neighbour to sit with me while he went to help his brother.
The tablets were antibiotics and thankfully the dose was not life threatening, although I did have the biggest case of thrush you could ever imagine!
Through my own impatience and foolishness, I was even further away from having a baby. Another month went sailing by as I waited for my infection to clear up.
This experience left me questioning the reason for living. If we were just physical beings, then it would make sense that we would get completely fulfilled from the physical things in this world. Food, shelter and clothing should be enough to satisfy our needs. But there is something inside us that yearns for more than just our physical needs being met.
Perhaps if humans had just a body and a soul, then the physical world and relationships would be enough to fulfil us. But are they? I know that was not my experience. My case is not an isolated example—there are many people who are honestly searching for something that can’t be fulfilled through human relationships.
As you journey through life looking for fulfilment, your identity can be challenged.
Have you found what you are looking for?